74 What's Holding You Back

Welcome to day two of our goal setting week!

In this episode we are reviewing the top reasons we don't achieve the goals we've set for ourselves.  Be sure to stick around until the end when I share the biggest barrier.


Reasons we don't achieve our goals:

1. Setting too big of goals, taking on too much
2. All or nothing thinking & Perfectionism
3. Fear of what others think
4. Fear of failure and success
5. Goals aren't in alignment with who we are, where we are, and where we want to be.

Transcript

Sabrina Rogers  0:00  
Welcome back to the show friend. In this episode I am covering over in Leinster with this goal setting theme of the week, we're going to talk about barriers and what has stopped you or held you back from reaching those goals. So stay tuned, and we'll get right to it. Welcome to the emotional eating therapists Show. I'm your host Sabrina Rogers, a licensed mental health counselor, intuitive eating and body image expert, and recovering perfectionist. After healing my own disordered eating and body image issues. I'm helping women let go of the guilt and shame around eating, feel at peace around food and befriend the image they see in the mirror. In this podcast, we chat about all things food, body and mental health. So that you can stop dieting, let go of perfectionism. And finally, feel confident in all areas of your life. If you want to connect with me on social media, I'm on Instagram, Facebook and tick tock at Sabrina Rogers lmhc. And if you enjoy listening to this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes or wherever you're listening. This helps other women find and learn about the podcast. So they too can change their relationship with food and body. Let's get ready to stay off the diet roller coaster and live healthy ever after. Yesterday, we talked a lot about wins and losses. And looking back over the last couple of years, both celebrating and just being aware of some of your really big wins and some of the struggles throughout those years. That's the first step in this new goal setting process is to examine where you were both what you're proud of and what you're not so proud of. Once we've done that, we're going to take it to the next level. So today we're going to focus on barriers, those things that hold you back from reaching your goals, the things that stop you from getting the things that you want in life. And in preparation for this episode I put out on social media. Just a quick little question for those of you that follow me or that are in the live happily ever after Facebook group. What are some of those things that hold you back from reaching your goals? And we're going to talk about those today. I think most of you are going to relate to these barriers. Because I hear it so often, both in coaching and counseling clients that we think we're very unique. But when it comes down to it, there's about a handful of things that all of us experience that hold us back. I myself am included in this too. So let's let's dive into it. One of the probably biggest and most prevalent problem that holds us back when we set new goals is ourselves. Yeah, it's us. And there's a whole slew of reasons why we hold ourselves back. You'll remember from previous episodes or in work that we've done. My idea of our brains we have the 2.0 brain and we have the cavewoman brain. The cavewoman brain. My brains name is Bertha Bertha, but she's one of the sisters because she's always butting in and she has a big bowtie. She's a nice 10x version of myself in some ways. But the goal the purpose of that cavewoman brain that fight flight freeze part of our system is to keep us safe and alive. Did you mean goals for our cavewoman brain? safety and sustainability? When we plan new goals, we probably have a long history of failure. And that does not feel good to our brain. So our brains like hey, I'm gonna protect you from that we're just not going to do it. So that's one way that our brain can interfere with our goals. The other place that it gets in is that we bite off more than we can chew. Gotta love these food pounds, or references. How many of y'all have done that? You really want to change something in your life. And you look at what you can change and you decide that you're going to change everything all at once. Do weighing too much, you get a little bit into it. And then it's just too hard to sustain. So we stop. Okay, those are probably some of the biggest hurdles that we're going to have to get through with this new way of setting goals is to not fall back into that. So let's talk a little bit more about this doing too much. When we look at our relationship with food, with exercise with our body, in the past, we have decided that we're going to completely overhaul everything in our life, that usually means that we're going to start restricting foods, or food groups, or calories, or we're going to focus on eating more of this or less of that. And on top of all of that, we're going to make sure that we get all of our water in, and we're going to start exercising at least 30 minutes, five to six times a week. And we're going to start a running program. And we're going to start a lifting program, and we're going to start bla bla bla bla bla bla. Already, I'm overwhelmed. That is too much at one time that is going to overload your system, it's going to overload that cavewoman brain and she's going to start freaking the eff out, going, this is way too much, I can't, I can't keep up, I can't keep doing this. So we just need to stop doing everything. And then all of your good intentions fall away, because it just doesn't last. One way that we can get around this is to take baby steps, as one of my feeding confidence members calls them small Sabrina steps, it's wonderful. We take one topic, one thing that we want to work on. And we look at how we can get there, step by step by step by step, not overhauling everything completely. We need to meet you where you're at. We need to know what you can handle and what you can't. And then push yourself just a little bit outside of that comfort zone. So that you can build on each of these skills. And another reason that we fail at goals or that we don't achieve them is kind of similar idea of this, doing too much is starting too big. You know, if you're wanting to run a half marathon or a 10k, or even a 5k, you don't want to just start running that distance right away, because you're gonna hurt yourself, you're gonna burn out, and it's not going to be enjoyable. But if you start running at 15 second intervals with 15 seconds of running and 60 seconds of walking, and you build up as your body gets there, as your mentality gets there. Before you know it, you're running whatever distance you have set your mind to, without the mental blocks without the physical setbacks, of hurting yourself, because you're taking those small Sabrina steps. Something that also kind of parallels goes hand in hand with this, which all of these are kind of really connected. Is this all or nothing? Thinking, this perfectionistic tendency. One of my Facebook followers really made me think of this when she said any setback, especially those small setbacks that shouldn't seem like they derail you seem like a failure. And I give up. Yeah, I've been there. You miss a day because of whatever reason, and you just give up because you know, you've already blown it. This is definitely that all or nothing perfectionism coming in. And it's hard. This is probably one of the hardest things to get rid of, is because for most of us, we have thrived on perfection. We've gotten a lot of praise, when we did things, quote, right. We've gotten a lot of positive feel good feedback, when we perform at a very high level.

Unfortunately, that's not always going to be the case because we're human, and we make mistakes and things happen, that we're not going to be 100% consistent It was something all the time. That's just unrealistic. But because you've been reinforced with this behavior over and over and over again, it's really hard to let it go. The other thing that kind of comes in here, when I'm thinking about this is looking at setbacks of like, is it really a setback, doing some of our thought work that we've talked about in previous episodes of, it's only a setback, it's only a failure. If your brain tells you it is and you decide to believe it or not all of your thoughts are true. And you don't have to believe all of your thoughts. So if you start practicing an intentional thought, something along the lines of failure is a great way to learn. It lets me know where my limits currently are. And helps me figure out how I can push up against those limits and push past them. We don't have to do everything all the time, perfectly. Another intentional thought that we can practice along these lines is, it doesn't have to be perfect, I don't have to be perfect, I'm worthy, whether this is 100%, right? Or not. Now, I do want to just mention, again, that this podcast is not meant to treat or diagnose or heal anything, it's meant to be educational, and give you some ideas to think about. It's not a substitute for counseling, or coaching with someone that you're working with privately. And while I may be your coach or your counselor, I am not your coach or counselor in this setting. If this is something that you want to look into more, definitely bring it up with your counselor or coach, I do think it's really beneficial to look at where these ideas that we have to be perfect, are coming from taking some time to reflect whether that's talking with your friend, your counselor, your coach, your journal writing, and then reflecting on that. Where have you been reinforced for being perfect. And it's amazing what our brains will give us if we just allow the space for this to come up. So if you're noticing some perfectionistic tendencies, some all or nothing, thinking of like I need to do my goal every single day 100% All day every day, would be really beneficial for you to spend some more time looking at, where that came from, where it originated from, and how it's been reinforced throughout your life. Another thing that really holds us back from achieving our goals is worrying about what others think of you. Whether that's worrying about what you need to do, who you need to become to reach that goal, and how that changes your relationship with others. or worrying about how they're going to judge you is this goal, right? Is this the good thing to be doing to be focusing on? All of that stuff, that fear of judgment, again, kind of tied to that perfectionism of am I going to be seen as the good girl, am I going to be seen as worthy, or good enough? Another thing that really holds us back from achieving our goals? Is fear. A fear of failing, because failing doesn't always feel good. In fact, failing, rarely feels good. Nobody's like yeah, I'm gonna go out and fail today because Dang, I love it. Oh, we don't, don't operate like that. And there's also this fear of succeeding. We're gonna push pause on that for a little bit. Let's talk about fear of failing first. Oftentimes, our brain holds on to all of this information, all of this evidence as to previous times we've tried something and failed or it didn't work out perfectly. And it's going to give you those instances, those reminders, because it doesn't want you to fail again, because it doesn't want you to hurt. She's just trying to look out for you and keep you safe, remember, but by doing that by reminding you of all of these past failures, she's holding you back. She's eliciting that fear response in you so that you don't try something new and better. eventually fail and hurt. But what she's doing is hurting you in the moment to prevent you from possibly hurting in the future. That just, those don't connect. I mean, I get why we're doing that. But why are we making ourselves miserable holding ourselves back? When we don't know what's going to happen. And if we work towards some of these goals that we have in our life, life could potentially really improve versus staying where you're at. If you have a fear of failing, I encourage you to go back and look at previous times where things didn't work out the way you wanted them to where you did fail, or felt like you failed, they can be the same, they can be different. Trust me. Look, through those times, reflect on them. What did you feel? What were you thinking? What were you thinking in the middle of it? What were you thinking throughout? What were you thinking at the end? How was your body experiencing that? And then reflect on the afterward? What happened after what happened after you failed? What happened after you didn't get the a on the test? What happened after your relationship ended? Did it meet the expectations of what you thought it was? Or was it not as bad as you thought it was going to be? Let's switch and talk about the fear of succeeding. Some of you are listening to this and saying, Oh, I know exactly what she means. That's me. Others are, I have no idea we're talking about why would I be afraid of succeeding? I get it, I used to wonder about people who said, Oh, you're just afraid of success. It's real friend. It is. I look back through the last, let's say 30 years, because that's like, where I have like good working memory and actually working on things, whether it was in school, or personal life, or career wise. And I'm one of those that like, always knew that she could do whatever she set her mind to. And I didn't do some of those things. Because I didn't want the success associated with it. Reflect reflecting back on this podcast, when I started it a year and a half ago, there was part of me that didn't want to do this. I didn't want to be out there in the world, sharing my message. I didn't want to be highly recognized in the world of eating disorders and Health at Every Size. Because that meant that I had to continue to show up that with this podcast, I had to be consistent with it. It meant that more people were going to hear what I was saying, and potentially not agree with me say some really ugly things. And I just didn't want to deal with that. I love my quiet little life. And I thought that if I grow if people get to know who I am, but I can't have that. There was this like belief in my head, that if I put myself out there and I was successful, I was going to be like some sort of celebrity and have paparazzi and I just didn't want to mess with any of that. So I would do things intentionally, unintentionally, to not reach my goals. Until I overcame and worked through that and realized that I still can have my quiet little life. And I can still get my message out there. And that by not getting my message out there. I'm doing more of a disservice to the world than staying small. I also realized that part of that idea of staying small, was related to that perfectionism. It's related to that good girl syndrome. It was related to children I meant to be seen not heard.

And that just doesn't sit right with me anymore. Because there are too many people who are missing out on this information that their lives could be exponentially changed if they heard some of what I have to say. So I got over that. I get over the fear of succeeding and It's been amazing. Let me tell you, it's been amazing. So those are some of the more prevalent barriers that come between you and reaching your goals. I left this last one for the last, because it can be kind of a doozy. If you've never thought of it before, the probably biggest aside from yourself and your own thoughts, the biggest barrier to you achieving your goals is setting goals that are not in alignment with you, your values, and where you want to be in life. Now, this can happen for a whole slew of reasons. In school, we often set goals based off of guidelines that were given by the school projects had certain things that you needed to complete papers have certain page limits, and topics and grades. Those are all external, we work through those things, or work towards those things, because that's what somebody else set up for us. In our personal lives now, as adults, this also comes in when you go to the doctor's office, and the doctor says, hey, yeah, your labs look great. But you know what, you got a little weight to lose. And so now your brain is thinking, Oh, when I gotta lose weight, one of my goals needs to be losing weight, because my doctor said, so. No, this also can come in with all of the you know, weight loss, talk or diet talk, that's all around us, we get this idea that we need to lose weight. But if you're okay with your weight, if your weight doesn't have anything to do with what's going on in your life, which most of the times it doesn't, it's your thoughts about the weight that are causing those issues. That's a different story. And if you're listening to this podcast, losing weight, for the sake of losing weight, is probably not in alignment with who you are and your values and what you want in life. If running a marathon is a goal of yours, and it's not something that you want to do, because you thoroughly enjoy running. Why? Why do you have a goal of running a marathon, it's going to be really hard to show up and do the things to think the way that a marathon runner thinks day to day, if it's not something that's in alignment with your values. If making seven figures, isn't in alignment with how you see yourself currently, you're not going to think the way a seven figure person thinks and are going to behave in ways that they behave. And therefore you're not going to reach your goal. Spend some time thinking about some of the goals that you've set throughout your life. Were they in alignment with what you want with where you want to be with who you want to be? And if they're not. Why in the world? Did you set them in the first place? Is it because somebody said that you should. I'll give you another really concrete tangible example is water, drinking more water. Most of us have heard from our doctors and just from social media all over the place that we need to drink more water. And while I agree, water is really great. Let's look at why. They give I set the goal to drink water. And I know I've talked about this on the podcast before. But I've set a goal to drink more water in the past. And when it was just because I wanted to drink less soda, because my doctor said that I was dehydrated and I needed to drink more water because I read somewhere that you need to drink X number of ounces per body weight blah, blah, blah. I would make it a couple of days with chugging water and being miserable. Because it wasn't in alignment with who I was in where I was at at the time. When I switched and I looked at okay, why am I really wanting to drink water? Well, I'm wanting to drink water because my skin gets really dry especially in the winter. Wanting to drink water because I do feel gross and painful when I'm dehydrated. I do notice my body feeling better and moving better. When I am properly hydrated. It made it so much easier to drink more water. It made it so much easier to think the way a person who drinks water all the time. Thanks. But when I kept coming at it from somebody else's perspective, somebody else telling me that this is what I needed to do. I couldn't do it. So take some time. Reflect on your previous goals, previous resolutions that you've made. Looking at where you fell off? What happened? What was going on? Did you take on too much? Did you try to do too big of a goal? Were you stuck in this all or nothing perfectionism? Were you worried about what others were thinking? Were you afraid of failing? Were you afraid of succeeding? And even if all of that stuff is there, or isn't there were the goals that you set for yourself and alignment with who you are now and who you want to be. Next episode. And if you're listening in real time, that's tomorrow is going to be who like the meat and potatoes, as my husband would say. We looked at over the last few years at wins and losses facepalm moments. Then today, we looked at barriers and what has gotten in the way of your goals before and really looking at that alignment piece. tomorrow's episode we are going to talk about the actual goal setting the fun meat and potatoes. I'm gonna go through progress versus process goals. And we're gonna start setting some of those goals for you. Well, not for you with you. You're gonna set them I'm gonna help you along the way. And then on Friday, we're going to take this to the next level. But we'll wait for that until tomorrow friend.

I wish you well.