78 - Gaslighting; What it is, Signs to look for, and Are you gaslighting yourself?

Gaslighting seems very trendy right now. I see and hear about it all over the place. It was coming up a lot in the practice so I thought I'd share the article I found that clearly explains the term.

The term and it's frequent use is a newer thing, but actually dates back to the 1930's and 40's, referencing the title of a 1938 play and a 1944 film titled Gaslight in which a husband  conceals his search for his wife’s aunt’s missing jewels by making his wife doubt herself. He tells her that the sounds in the attic she hears, and the dimming gas lights around their home, are imaginary.

The term “gaslighting” came to represent the type of manipulation the characters portray in the film.

 
I read most of the article for you in this episode and at the end I discuss with you the possibility that you are gaslighting yourself.

Have a listen and I'd love to hear  your thoughts.



The full article can be found here

Transcript

Hey, you're listening to the emotional eating therapist show. And in this episode I am going to talk about gaslighting. I think it's very trendy and it has been for a while, so let's get clear on what it is, if it's happening to you, and if you're doing it to yourself.


Welcome to the emotional eating therapist Show. I'm your host Sabrina Rogers, a licensed mental health counselor, intuitive eating and body image expert, and recovering perfectionist. After healing my own disordered eating and body image issues. I'm helping women let go the guilt and shame around eating, feel at peace around food and befriend the image they see in the mirror. In this podcast, we chat about all things food, body and mental health, so that you can stop dieting, let go of perfectionism. And finally, feel confident in all areas of your life. If you want to connect with me on social media, I'm on Instagram, Facebook and Tik Tok at Sabrina Rogers lmhc. And if you enjoy listening to this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes or wherever you're listening. This helps other women find and learn about the podcast, so they too can change their relationship with food and body. Let's get ready to stay off the diet roller coaster and live healthily ever after


the term gaslighting is all over the internet. And in the last couple of weeks, both in the coaching and the counseling practice. It's come up a lot. And I've found myself kind of explaining what this is to maybe people who have never heard the term before or who just aren't familiar with it or also those who have kind of been using it out of context. So I thought it would be really helpful since it's coming up so much within the practice to share it with the broader community in the podcast. I am going to read an article from Medical News Today because I found it really helpful and really concisely explaining the term gaslighting where it comes from. And then I was really excited to hear or I guess I read these different types of gaslighting because I I kind of figured there were different categories that we could put it into as far as how it was being used. But this article really outlines it well So bravo to them there's no need to recreate the wheel I'm just going to give them credit because they it was medically reviewed by a Vera Sarah Polly and written by Jennifer, who isn't who isn't hoping. I am sorry if I'm butchering your names, folks. So gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories or perception of reality. People who experience gaslighting may feel confused, anxious, as though they cannot trust themselves. Or often what I've heard clients say is, I feel like I'm crazy. Not crazy, right?

The term gaslighting comes from the name of a 1938 play, and a 1944 film titled gaslight in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she has a mental illness. In this article, we look at gaslighting including common examples signs and causes. We also discuss how a person can respond to this behavior and how to seek help some examples of gaslighting. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline gaslighting can happen in a variety of ways. Some of these include countering this is when someone questions a person's memory, they may see say things such as, Are you sure about that? You have a bad memory, or I think you're forgetting what really happened. Then there's withholding this involves someone pretending they do not understand the conversation, or refusing to listen to make the person doubt themselves. For example, they might say, now you're just confusing me, or I don't know what you're talking about. Then there's travelite. trivializing, that's a hard word for me to say, trivial lysing just gotta slow down. This occurs when a person belittles or disregards how someone else feels. They may accuse them of being, quote, too sensitive, or overreacting in response to valid and reasonable concerns. Raise your hand, nobody can see you. If you are called too sensitive or too emotional as a child or as an adult.

Okay, then we have denial. Denial involves a person refusing to take responsibility for their actions. They may do this by pretending to forget what happened, saying they didn't do it. we're blaming their behavior on someone else. I think we've all been in a situation where we express our thoughts and feelings to someone and somehow gets flipped back on us. That's gaslighting.

Another form of gaslighting is diverting with this technique a person changes the focus of a discussion by questioning the other person's credibility. For example, they might say, that's just nonsense you read on the internet, it's not real. And lastly, for these examples we have stereotyping. An article in the American Sociological Review says that a person may intentionally use negative stereotypes about someone's gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality or age to gaslight them. For example, they may say that no one will believe a woman if she reports abuse. So how gaslighting works. gaslighting is a method of gaining control over someone else. It works by breaking down a person's trust in themselves, while increasing how much they trust or depend on the abusive person. In relationships, gaslighting often begins gradually, the abusive person gains their partners trust, sometimes with an initial quote, honeymoon period, in which there is no abusive behavior. Then the person begins suggesting that their partner is not reliable, that they're forgetful or that they are mentally unstable. Over time, this can cause people to question if their partner is right. The more this happens, the more power and influence the abusive person has. Unable to trust themselves, the person may start to rely heavily on their partner to recall memories or make decisions. They may also feel they cannot leave that relationship. So where can gaslighting occur? gaslighting can occur in any type of interaction, but it's most commonly seen in intimate relationships, in relationships and abusive person may use gaslighting to isolate their partner undermine their confidence and make them easier to control. For example, they might tell someone they're irrational and the purse until the person starts to think it must be true. gaslighting also occurs in child parent relationships, abusive parents or caregivers may gaslight children to undermine them. For example, when a child cries, they may say they're too sensitive to shame them and make them stop. Then there's medical gaslighting. According to the C PTSD foundation. Medical gaslighting is when a medical professional dismisses a person's health concerns as being the product of their imagination. They may tell their person their symptoms are in their head, or label them a hypochondriac. Then there's race racial gaslighting, according to an article in politics, group and identities, racial gapless gaslighting is when people apply gaslighting techniques to an entire racial or ethnic group in order to discredit them. For example, a person or institution may say that an activist campaigning for change is irrational or crazy.

Political gaslighting occurs when a political group or figure lies or manipulates information to control people. According to an article in Buffalo Law Review. For example, the person or political party may downplay things their administration has done, discredit their opponents imply that critics are mentally unstable, or use controversy to deflect attention away from their mistakes, and institution institutional gaslighting. This occurs within a company, organization or institution such as a hospital, for example, they may portray whistleblower to report problems as irrational or incompetent or deceive employees about their rights.

So what are some signs of gaslighting? And how do you know if you're experiencing this? People who experienced gaslighting often find it difficult to recognize the signs. They may trust the abusive person or believe that they truly do have a poor memory. However, if a person feels unsure second guesses themselves, or relies on someone else to confirm their memories, or help them make simple decisions. This may be due to gaslighting. Some potential signs that someone is experiencing gaslighting include feeling uncertain of their perceptions, frequently questioning if they are remembering things correctly, believing they are irrational, or quote, crazy, feeling incompetent, unconfident or worthless, constantly apologizing to the abusive person defending the abusive person's behaviors to others, becoming withdrawn or isolated from others. gaslighting may contribute to anxiety, depression and psychological trauma, especially if it's part of a wider abuse pattern.

So how can we respond to gaslighting?

Well, this is going to have a significant impact on your mental health. So if you're experiencing this, you may need to make sure that you look after yourself. There are several ways to protect oneself from the form of abuse, gather evidence, gathering evidence, help support someone to prove themselves that they're not imagining or forgetting things. So writing things down, talking to someone you trust, taking pictures, keeping voice memos.

We also if you are in an abusive situation, we want to make sure that you are safe. So having a safety plan in place, a list of safe places to go escape routes, emergency contact details, ideas for self care, to help the person cope and then a plan to safely leave the relationship home or situation. Now I know that sounds really kind of big, and yes, gaslighting happens in abusive situations, relationships all the time.

Also, gaslighting happens when the other person isn't intentionally trying to do it.
That might be a little confusing. But you might also find yourself doing some of these things, to a loved one to someone in your life and to yourself.

So you might be the one perpetrating this gaslighting. Now, that doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it just means that you've been taught this behavior from somewhere. So if you are going to focus on gaslighting yourself now, if you find yourself questioning, did that happen? Are you sure about that?

Huh? Am I too sensitive? Am I too emotional? It's not that bad.
Other people have it worse. If you find yourself doing those things to yourself.

Let's take a step back. Where did you learn that behavior?

Who did you hear those phrases from?

Is it your voice that's really telling you that. And sometimes it is because we've repeated those messages over and over and over and our heads so often, that we do begin to internalize them, they do become our own voice. But oftentimes, if we look at it, we can hear another person's voice from some point in our life, where somebody else made us feel or think that way.

A lot of times, this happens when we're children, and we fall down on the playground and scrape our knees. And because we're kids, and we don't have the emotion regulation skills that an adult has, this is a really big deal. And oftentimes, the adult will say, Oh, it's not that bad. Just walk it off, rub some dirt in it. And so anytime we are hurt, emotionally or physically, and we go to a caregiver seeking comfort, and we're told that message, we start to personalize that we start to internalize that it starts to become our own language. And then you have 40 year old women who are telling themselves that their relationship with food, the way they view their body isn't that bad. Or they start to think about all of the other people in their lives, or that they've heard about that have it worse. Yes, there's always going to be somebody who has it worse than you. There's always going to be somebody who has it better than you. But that doesn't negate or take away anything from your experience. So if you notice yourself gaslighting yourself, let's take a step back. Recognize maybe where this started. And then remember, you don't have to believe everything you think. So if you start to notice some of these thought patterns.

My suggestion is to really just validate that voice of yeah, sometimes it does feel that bad.

It makes sense why I'm questioning, is it this bad? Or am I being too emotional? Because that's what I was told as a child.
But now I'm going to choose to believe that no, it's not that bad, but it's still bad. Or all emotions are emotions. They're not good or bad. And I'm choosing to view them that way. Rather than viewing myself as too emotional.

So I hope this episode is is helpful in understanding what gaslighting is what to look for when you have relationships with other people, but also really important that you're not gaslighting yourself because we are done with that we are done being our own worst enemy. And I hope that some of these episodes on this show in general helps you to be friend, the person that you see in the mirror. Until next week, friend, wish you well